April 20th 2016
Drama and helplessness were the theme of this past week. One thing after the other has just been building up and the weight of it just about crushed me. The worst of it is that most of it is completely my own fault.
You would be forgiven for thinking that I am on an extended holiday. After all, I haven’t had a ‘real’ job for nearly four months and have been travelling around the country like a backpacker. Right? Well, yes. But the why and the how are needed to give it context and the result has become anything but relaxing. In fact, this week I just wanted to curl into a ball and cry.
This post isn’t about me reaching out for sympathy or even to vent or have a whinge. This post is about what I did instead.
(This paragraph is mostly a whinge, so skip it if you’d rather get straight to the main point) Having said that, here’s what’s up: 1) my money is just about gone and by that, I mean lower than my bank balance has ever been as an adult with no reserves or income in sight; 2) I had to buy expensive food for my dogs special diet; 3) I had to take my car to the mechanic; 4) the car I own (and have been trying to sell since before I left) in Melbourne had its number plates stolen. The last one was especially problematic not only because I’ve been counting on that money, but because Victoria (Australia) is infamous for being hard to deal with in ‘official’ matters due to its identification protocols. The fact it now has no plates means I have to deal with Police, organise new ones/deregister/move off the road/deal with fines/add costs/decrease the value in selling it. AND it’s been especially frustrating because the car is actually quite a good little car. I can’t understand why it hasn’t sold. (Rant over) Luckily, I have an awesome brother who happens to be over there and has been amazing helping get things done.
Yes, I wanted to give up and to have someone else fix it. The only thing is, I knew that no one would do that. In fact, no one COULD do that.
The problems are that I am giving too much attention to situations beyond my control and I am not taking actions that I need to take. The main reason no one could fix it is that the problems were all in my head. People say that like it is less of a problem than physical obstacles. But mental obstacles can be as problematic, if not more so. The reality was it’s not so bad. As noted in ‘Waihi’, I have perfectly good plan to start generating income. I know the steps needed to make it happen. There are no obstacles in my way… except my own mind. The progress along the path to getting my books done has been slow. There HAS been progress, but it has been slowed by my hesitant mind.
Why? Fear of failure? Fear of success? Paralysis by analysis? Lack of confidence? All valid suggestions. All partly responsible if I am honest with myself. The bottom line is that I am not acting. As a result, I am really no closer to bringing in any money to continue this journey to sustainability.
Yes, this is just part of being an adult and dealing with unfavourable events. It’s also something that many people struggle with. On balance I thought it would be a worthwhile post because it might help others who are afraid of making a leap toward what they actually want out of life. It might help to see me admit that I am really nothing special. I am flawed, scared and vulnerable just like you are. And just like you, can accept that, define those fears and then act to solve the problems.
So yes, this was a tough week. It was ALSO one of the best things that could have happened to me. My distress became the eustress I needed to start taking action. The result? After taking action to mitigate the money situation, I have a part time job offer, an interview next week for another part time job and an offer of a self-employed contractor role. This will allow me to keep WWOOFing and getting experience in the skills I need to keep learning as well as slowing the money drain. I also used it to prod myself into action on the book project, which is back in full swing.
This WWOOFing ‘holiday’ was all about removing the illusions we place in front of ourselves to distract ourselves from what we really want… and the fact we are not reaching for it. It’s about facing the darker realities of the psyche and a resolve to push through obstacles. It’s about creating the opportunity (in both physical and mental contexts) to bring about change.
How could you create yours?